Little Human Rituals // Monthly Thread // MONTH UNKNOWN BC IM BAD AT TIME 9

Hello lovely,
I hope last month treated you well. Mine went delightedly for a while before getting some bad news at the end. But first, onto shenanigans!

Im finally getting a little better at art now and again, Im so excited! I’ve started working on new Tshirt designs too, not so much Moon Silk focused but just like cool colorful vibes. I will probably make a patreon and fansly post showing everyone soon, I think that might be good >w<

I’m especially proud of this one I did of a treescape in an alien land, colors go woOoOo and there’s a little moon in the top where I etched in a little “as above, so below?” and the reflection in the water is not as it should be, in fact, there’s a mystical creature watching you but it’s only revealed in the reflective water, I thought that was pretty cool and I just love things where something is cool and no one knows about it or it’s a secret.

Very hipster coded, I guess LOL >m<~!!! I can’t help it, I would have been a good finder/gatherer I think, if my cavewoman self wouldn’t be overstimulated by the trex roars outside my cave.

”OOGA BOOGA, ME NO FIGHTER, ME LOVER, I ONLY WALL SCRAWL ROMANCE” and I’d just start drawing boobs and making fervent grunts of approval of my chicken scratch, excited to show other cavekips when they get back home lol.

Ive also been working on thumbnails and this neko girl didnt turn out too bad, I think!

I’ve also been working on getting out of my comfort zone my whole life and this month was more of that! I got in my dresses and omg, I went to the park on a really pretty day, like it was perfect and omg when I got there, I lost all the confidence bc there were SO MANY PEOPLE. I was dressed so extra in my little sun hat and flowy skirt and there were so many people.

I realized I often check exits and make notes of everyone in any vicinity. But there were so many people at the park and the exits were everywhere but no where at the same time. Like, I was aware I could leave but the further I got from my car, the further from safety I felt but there were so many openings for people to enter, all directions essentially and after running into bad people alone at night as a kid, I’m super wary. I know my nervous system was activated but I tried not to disassociate as best I could.

It’s crazy how past experiences can fracture your current reality. Like everyone was so kind, and nice in the current day. They struck up convos and I was delighted to practice talking with strangers since it’s never been something I’ve done with ease. At least now I don’t stutter as bad as I used to lol. But now they are starting to talk to me more beyond the mental script I’ve prepared and like Im so happy they wanna talk to me but also I just know Im looking at them like a deer in the headlights like “What…. what do you mean you just asked me a question that isnt prerecorded on the script, I haven’t prepared for this! You can’t… you can’t just DO that, there’s procedures! Patterns! And I don’t have a pattern for this!” xD

I also saw they started a little rock garden where you can take a rock, paint it and bring it back, look at how cute these are! I took some pics of the most vibrant ones. It was so cute, I see people go over now and again to take/give a rock and it’s so sweet to see everyone contribute. Makes it feel like a little community.

So you know I took a rock home so I could do it too! I just dunno what to doodle on it. Ill take pics when I figure it out tho! But for now, you can look at all the cool ones I found! Isnt the trees one REALLY good?? Omg that person has so much talent!

Lol, I guess this is going to be like a walk in the park with me, so come on <3 because I took pics of all the interesting things too!
They’ve put up little bat and bird houses and stuff for the local wildlife and then they have little details in placards at the base. I thought its so sweet theyre educating folks <3

Then I saw a little guy, I was hoping my camera would get a better shot but no dice. I got closer and he left so big sad panda hours lol.

I ended up disassociating half way through when I couldnt track all the humans in the space while being so far from a safe exit in the parking lot. BUT even though that happened, I went back the next day and it was a slightly crappier day for weather so not as many people were there and I went in a less extra dress and I was able to stay present for the whole walk and I even sat down and coached myself through the anxiety of “if you aren’t moving/improving/busy, you’re doing something weird/wrong/etc.”

I guess through life, I always felt you had to keep working at full tilt, like if you were relaxed, you were doing life bad. You were giving someone else more work by relaxing… so obviously the answer was to never relax. Like somehow, if you arent always trying to do more, then anything that happens to you is a mark of laziness and you deserve whatever happens to you - or thats what I was taught.

I’ve worked so hard to undo that mindset in how I treat others (sometimes to my own detriment of never asking for anything/taking up space/performing friendship for safety rather than embodying the friendship as the give/take relationship it should be) and yet its still hard to give that kind of kindness to myself.

So I sat with myself on the bench and tried to think what it would look like if I wasn’t so uncomfortable at rest. What would I do? What would feel good? I love the outdoors but so rarely frequent because being perceived often resulted in punishment so if I wasn’t so afraid of something happening or hurting, what would I like to do in such a beautiful space?

And as I thought about it, I thought I’d wanna take my paints or my craft stuff to one of the benches and work on it. I pictured myself crocheting or doodling what I saw around me. Maybe I’d take more serious (and better lol) photos. Maybe on a warmer day, I do like the one lady and bring a blanket and just lay down and soak up the time in nature.

I hope I get to bring those kinds of things there when the weather gets a little nicer!

But that said, I took another stab at crochet! I know last month I was doing granny squares but I saw the cutest hat pattern on Etsy and thought I was crazy enough to try!
I got it from here, if you wanna try it too, it’s actually pretty easy! I didn’t need to know a lot of techniques so far: Etsy

Ignore my chewed up thumb, old habits die hard lol. BUT LOOK AT THE CIRCLE! ITS A CIRCLE! Omg I tried doing a magic loop for like 2 whole days. (A magic loop is like the start of a lot of circular crafts in crochet like hats, bags, etc, I guess.) And that stuff is for the birds (or those better capable lol). I got so frustrated lol. So I ended up pivoting to do a 2chain loop and worked with that and its going pretty good!

But yes! Im so proud of my little beginner hat, I hope to have pics soon! It wasnt the yarn color I wanted but I got this on sale and its pretty cute. I wanna do a black one with like metallic yarn, that would look cool!

Oh! And then I was really into making onigiri in a weird way lately, it was like turning onigiri into meatballs?? IT WAS SO GOOD! Especially if you bake the meatballs and then throw them in the pan and flatten them so they get really crispy, its so good! I mixed some salmon in w/ it and it was almost like crab texture! Ah so good! Cant remember if better than the salmon loaf of life but if not, probably close!

I also made some roasted veggies w/ quinoa with a garlic and herb parm drizzle, it was so dang good! I have this garlic herb parm seasoning I make myself and girl, its so dang good, I put it on everything. Omg, I want it on toast lol. I miss toast v.v Udis doesnt hit the same lol. (Udis is a brand that makes gluten free bread around here lol)

Then, we went to drop off a box at the post office bc I had ordered a top off Mercari but it had obviously had a lot of coffee spilled on it so we had to return it. Who even does that? Wthecc lol

We popped into Petsmart later and grabbed Kupo a new no-stuff-ems toy! Omg he loves it so much, and also, its butt opens up so you can put squeakers inside! AHhh !! So useful!! He loves puzzles so much, Im now rolling his licky mat up, inside part rolled inward w/ a little PB on it and shove it in the toys booty flap and he’s going WILD! He loves asking for new configurations to try to work on. He’s gotten quite sick of the “untie the knot” trick lately so were on to more complicated stuff, lol its so dang cute.

Oh! I struck up so many conversations lately! We went to the mall and grabbed a bite to eat, the lady behind me came over to tell me the food looked so good and I learned a cool social trick that I think neurotypicals just know how to do but I need to be explicitly taught every rule, right? So I learned that basically, when people talk to me, I get nervous and my brain goes blank but you can fix that by just repeating back what they said and then adding like the littlest extra on the backend and it seems to work.

“Oh, my gods, that meal looks so good!”
“Yeah! It is, I always get it, I just can’t help it!”
“Oh you always get it, its that good? Ill have to try it!”

That little have to try it is the extra bit but while saying the first bit, you got time to run another process in the background to throw onto the tail end and bc the tail end is so small, it isnt hard! Well, not as hard as trying to come up with a full interesting reply back lol. FASCINATING! Talking with other people has always been high stakes for me, especially growing up, saying the wrong thing would be catastrophic so it’s been interesting to relearn how to socialize!

I know for most folks, theyll be like “Yeah… duh?” but I didn’t get those drivers installed, I gotta do it manually and Im sure Im not alone lol. <3

We also went out and got Kupos nails trimmed. I went along w/ Jon but I didn't go inside bc Kupo can get overstimulated easy (I wonder where he gets it from lol) and his bark just cuts through my ears like a knife so I put in my ear plugs and didn't have to get overstimulated and was able to calm him down bc I could stay calmer.

Then we went to the mall and OMG IT WAS SO FUN! We got a bite to eat and the waiter kept trying to glance at all the items on my belt, all dangling and colorful and I thought that was great cuz I put a lot of work into decorating it so it was cool to see someone wanna check it out >w<

OH! And THEN we went to hobby lobby! Omg, a sweet lady came and complimented the drink holder on my belt. She gushed about it and I told her I got it on Etsy and we talked about the Renfaire and oh! I was on cloud 9! Later I was kicking myself though bc while I was telling her how to avoid scams on Etsy (omg so much AI slop photos!) I should have probably been telling her the shop name of the drink holder. T^T I only realized after! Is this also like when that guy came up and said my dress was cute? WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO SOMETHING? AHH, lol I'm having so much fun figuring out the social stuff I didn't have time for as a kid lol. In theory, it should make future events less stressful once I get it down lol

Then in hobby lobby, Jon surprised bought me a few skeins of yarn and just walked to the register with them all in his hands, it was very sweet! I actually started a big afghan, omg Ill need to get a pic of it soon, its already so big!! I just got too distracted by the hat to work on the blanket much lol!

Complicated ass hat > regular ass blanket rn lol

So overall it was a really eventful month! I felt powerful, capable, you know?

I think that’s why this next part hit harder than it might have otherwise.
Because I finally felt like I was building something steady after years of feeling like I was on slippery ground.

But as we’ve seen in America lately, a lot of folks are struggling. People are tied to their jobs in a job market that’s struggling even before they started yeeting people in exchange for AI. People are still working, trying to stay afloat to pay bills, etc. even as chaos reigns down from the fish’s rotten head at the top. It sucks and unfortunately, Jon finally got put in the cross fire.

When we got back from our park/mall adventures, Jon learned he’d been let go and it’s been… hard. He’s had that job for well over a decade and for it to just… evaporate as if it’d never existed… just wow. I’ve dealt with housing and food insecurity my whole life, and when it rears its head again, I just have to remind myself that I’ve made it through before.

But this time, being the sole provider in a world that feels increasingly unstable is genuinely scary. It makes me feel really small in a big, chaotic system.

I don’t ask for help lightly,
but right now I’m scared and I could really use it.

If you’re in a place where you can support me a little extra while we stabilize and I keep creating, I would be deeply grateful. And if you’re not, I completely understand, taking care of yourself comes first.

Here’s a link if you can help. Thank you so, so much. I am always so grateful for you guys and the way you’ve afforded me a better life than I’ve ever known.

Alright lovely, that’s been a very eventful month for me. Now I wanna hear what you’ve been up to too <3 Did you try a new thing? Overcome something big? Make plans for the future? Doomscrolled until you wanted to fight god? Let me know!~ ♥